Out of Reach
November 1988


Will Jade Wu have to defy her father to get what she wants?

Impossible dreams...

   All Jade Wu wants is to be as all-American as the other girls in Sweet Valley. But her traditional Chinese father won't let her date or do anything of the things other teenage girls do, so Jade's sure she'll never fit in.
  Jade is a talented dancer, and when she wins the solo part in a dance show, she takes the role despite her father's objections. Soon she's happier than she dreamed she could be, especially when the show brings her together with handsome David Prentiss. Jade begins to confide everything in David-until it suddenly looks as if he's betrayed her deepest secret about her family.
   Can Jade really find happiness in her two worlds, or was her father right all along?


   Oooh, shiny. One of the few SVH books to get the special treatment in terms of actual shiny-ness added to the book covers. Probably because it's #50 and #100 was busy giving me hope that they'd kill Elizabeth and have a psychopath assume her identity. Where the hell is my alternative reality fic involving that, huh? I demand it, now!

   Uh, anyway. Out of Reach also sports a lovely Giantess Elizabeth as she gives the shoulder pat of condescension to poor Jade Wu. Which means this book also serves as a major source of Continuity Headaches for when Jade makes her triumphant return in Senior Year.
  For now, Jade is the daughter of an exceptionally traditional Chinese father. Dr. Wu (Ph.D. in physics!) left China was he was 23, so he's still very big on doing things the way they're done in China. Sadly, his daughter has other ideas. Jade is a dancer who dreams of dancing professionally. She seems to prefer ballet, but also excels in modern dance. As a non-dancer, I'll take her word for this. Daddy dearest, however, won't let her dance in front of an audience. I don't think he gets what dancing *is* then. Because Jade's mother is also traditional, she believes wives should defer to their husbands, and children should defer to their parents and doesn't really interfere much unless she's positive she can convince her husband he's being a little too stubborn. Except Jade's an American teenager and she's all about the rebellion, baby. I wish I could pull the Wus aside and tell them that they've got so much more to worry about than 'modern' dance. Jade's a bit of a skank in SY, so really, someone dropped the ball somewhere in the ten years or so between. Just sayin'.
   If you cast your memory waaaaaaaay back, you might recall that the previous book ended with people wondering who Jade Wu was and why the Eyes and Ears column seemed to think she was a shoo in for the solo in some stupid dance fund raiser. You might not. It doesn't matter. They did, and the fund raiser is to get enough money so that SVH can offer ballet and modern dance as electives next year... or the year after or something. Whenever the school board has time, I guess. In your average school, odds are good no one would care. (I'm just guessing here.) But because this is SVH, everyone gives at least half a damn. Why? Because Elizabeth is in charge of publicity and Amy Sutton is wandering around declaring that she's so much better than everyone else that she's sure to get the lead solo.
   Stop. Rewind.

   Despite mentions of at least two other fantastic dancers from the last time Jessica decided she was the best dancer in the school, Amy still thinks she can beat them all, plus the cover star? Oh, Amy. You really are an idiot. Jessica, in a surprising move, agrees with this assessment, but has no real desire to squash Amy like a bug or really discourage her in anyway. Luckily for all of us, Lila decides to take up the slack. When Amy declares that she should get the solo because she looks the part and Jade doesn't, Lila calmly points out that Jade's American, too. Oh yeah, and she can dance. Oh, Lila, honey. You've come a long way from your crack against anything ethnic back when Sandy was interested in Miguel. I'm so proud. Tear.
  Since this is Amy, logic doesn't work at all, and she's still convinced she's the best hope the school has for a true All American Beauty to dance the solo. *yawn* Wake me up when Lila comes back, k?

   Jade wants desperately to try out for the show, but her father would never approve. Still, she asks, and he says no just like she knew he would, and then Jade finally remembers she's a teenager and tries out anyway. Naturally she gets the solo when Amy manages to bungle the relatively easy audition (who knew Cara was so good?) and incurs Amy's wrath something fierce. Jade also attracts attention from David Prentiss, the guy in charge of set design and art. Hey, that's supposed to be DeeDee's gig! Don't worry. She's second in command. So, naturally David likes Jade and Jade likes David. But if you'll remember, Jade's father is terribly traditional which means ain't no way is the girl going to date. But every time David asks Jade out, she turns him down. Which is understandable, except she thinks to herself that she could never tell David that her father would kill her first, that he'd never believe it. Instead she just doesn't tell him anything at all.
  And my head hits the desk each time this happens. Particularly impressive when reading in areas lacking desks. The guy won't understand that your traditional, conservative father won't let you date, but he'll be fine thinking you're just not interested? To complicate matters, we have a couple of other issues at play, although neither one explains fully why Jade is lacking the logic gene. At least Amy's an idiot and seems to have bleached her extra braincells away. What's Jade's excuse?

   Jade doesn't want anyone to know that her family is different from theirs. It's bad enough that they look different, but she doesn't want them to actually be different. So she doesn't tell anyone, except for her best friend, that she runs home every afternoon to help her mother prepare dinner for their family. She doesn't tell anyone that the house is decorated in a decidedly Chinese way, or that her mother's parents own a laundromat because heaven forbid that it's yet another Chinese laundromat!
   On David's side, his father ditched his family of six kids when David was seven, and his mother works as a housekeeper/maid, so when Jade keeps turning him down with no explanation (after he's told her about his family) he assumes she's ashamed to be seen out in public with him. A bit stupid when you consider she's not all that worried about being seen with him during ever rehearsal to the point that everyone in the show assumes they're dating, but still. Justified when she tries to make him understand that she does trust him... by telling him about her grandparents. David doesn't get why it's a big thing to Jade and figures she really is ashamed of him considering how she seems to be treating people who paid for her dancing when her father wouldn't.
  Remember when I said Amy was ticked off that Jade, a mere sophomore, managed to "steal" her solo? Yeah. Amy's out running errands with her mother, who has just switched to a new laundromat. I know and you know where this is going, right? Exactly. Jade's grandparents are so proud of Jade that they've got one of the gorgeous posters David designed prominently displayed. Amy comments on the show and Jade's grands are all, "Our granddaughter is the staaaaaar!" in the way of grandparents everywhere. Amy is a bitchy teenage girl so she runs home and calls everyone she knows and spreads the news as fast as she can.
  Personally, I still don't get it, but the bitches of SVH certainly do. Plus, Jade set herself up when she made a crack in history one day about how her family is just so utterly normal, it's not like they own a laundromat or anything. Oh, Jade. You created this mess with your misplaced shame. Since Jade has only told one person about her grandparents, and the news spills almost immediately afterward, Jade sets off to deal with the person she believes betrayed her.

   Ultimately, Jade and David fight and fight big. David quits the show because Jade isn't who he thought she was and he can't stand to be around her anymore. He tears down the set he made especially for Jade's solo, so you know it's serious. Remember, he's an artist. Their work is their life or something. Jade's mother and dance instructor manage to finally convince Jade's father to let her dance in the show just in time for Jade to no longer care.
  Now, you're probably wondering where Liz is during all this. Good timing. David and Liz have a bit of chat and Liz uses actual logic this go round. She points out that Jade's family seems awfully conservative and that while it's possible Jade is ashamed of David, she doesn't think that's true or the reason Jade kept turning him down for a date. Liz figures Jade isn't allowed to date. Because Liz knows about these things, David begins to ponder if maybe his own insecurities were clouding his judgment at least a little.
  Jade concentrates on the mission dancing, but she's more upset than she'd imagined she would be when her father gives his permission but says he will not attend because he thinks her dancing in public is wrong. She got what she wanted, she just didn't know to ask/hope for more.
  The night of the show, Jade is a bit nervous, but mostly sad that the two men in her life will not be there to see whether she stumbles or soars. Before she goes on, she peeks out into the crowd and her father is there, amidst her mother, grandparents, and her dance instructor. Score! That leaves...
   David reconstructed his set (with Dee Dee's help) so you know he's forgiven her. She dances like a maniac she's never danced before, but in that good way. She's amazing. Fantastic. Wonderful. Whatever. Standing ovation, numerous bows are taken, the show is a success! Jade's approached by a talent scout who offers Jade a fantastic dance internship. Everyone, including Jade's father, is impressed and thrilled and all that jazz. But then the kicker comes. Mr. Wicker, the scout dude, wants Jade to change her name because the woman shelling out for this big honor is a bit old fashioned and would not like the name Jade Wu. Too ethnic. How about something nice and American like Warren?

   Excuse me while I slam my head into something. HELLO. Racist lady will NOTICE Jade's CHINESE. You can't really confuse Liz and Jade on the cover, people, so I doubt the little old lady is going to go, "Oh, well, with a name like that I'm sure my cataracts just makes you look Chinese." NO. Fail. Back of the line.

   Sorry about that. Jade doesn't use any of that logic and instead goes with the whole, I'm proud of my heritage and I will not dance under any other name because it's who I am. Wicker stalks off in a huff, everyone else celebrates. Even Amy, because she's sure she looks American enough for Scout Dude.
  David asks Jade's father's permission to take Jade out. Dr. Wu is impressed by this show of respect and of course Jade can go out with David. We'll ignore the fact that I'm thinking he'd be impressed, but he wouldn't really want Jade and David dating. Everyone lives happily ever after! Until next time, anyway.

  B plot: You're thinking to yourself, "you know what this book needs? More cowbell! Jessica. Freakin'. Wakefield!" And I present to you the B plot. Ned gets an invite to his 25th high school reunion. Midlife crisis ensues. After enduring an eye-searingly bad tie, Jessica decides to teach her father a lesson. If he wants to be young so badly, she'll show him that being young isn't exactly what it was. She enlists her mother's and Elizabeth's help. Alice encourages Ned to exercise himself into oblivion. Jessica and Liz drag Ned out to the Beach Disco to see the Razors, a band I'm guessing is supposed to err on the side of heavy metal or at least less friendly rock than the rest of the series. The song titles are precious. Anyway, it doesn't take long for Ned to get the idea (I'm thinking being squished in the back of the Fiat might have done it, honestly.) but he endures the pain a little longer than anyone sane might have. I'm betting he wanted to see how far they'd all go. :p
   It's a fun little side trip when Jade's antics get too facepalm worthy, but it's not one of the better Jessica plots.

Trivia:

• The music and dance show is to raise money to start a dance program, so that students can take modern dance or ballet as an elective.


• Ms. Bellasario is directing.


• Maria Santelli was the student producer until she got the flu and had to drop out. Never is it mentioned that anyone sent her a get well card or anything, but you know if either twin got sick, there'd be get well cards and parties and balloons and presents...


• Liz starts out doing the publicity for the show before being tapped as student producer.


• Jade Wu: sophomore, Chinese American (she was born in America), recently moved to SV a few months ago.


• Melanie Forman, Jade's best friend, sophomore. Seems to be the more grounded of the two.


• Eve Miller: Jade's dance teacher, her lessons to Jade were a gift from Jade's maternal grandparents. Believes in Jade's dancing ability.


• While complaining to Mel about her parents, Jade says she couldn't sleep over at any friend's house because they didn't have sleepovers in China, but maybe if she hadn't been an only child, her brothers and sisters could have deflected some of the parental insanity. Didn't the 80's subscribe to the theory that if you were Chinese, you had one, maybe two kids?


• Dr. Wu came to America when he was 23, has a Ph.D in physics from Cal Tech. Was a professor, then a business consultant, moved his family from San Francisco to SV six months ago.


• Mrs. Wu's parents, the Sungs, live in SV and run Sung's Laundry. They met in America after leaving China, and had at least three girls (Mrs. Wu says "my sisters" when defending them to Jade) but no sons.


• Jade takes the 3:22 bus downtown after school. Now you know about when SVH gets out for the day.


• David Prentiss: tall (a foot taller than Jade), sandy brown/blond hair, green eyes, freckles, shy, the oldest of six kids, painter, father ditched the family when he was 7, Mrs. Prentiss is a housekeeper/maid, in charge of set design, part time job at a delivery service.


• Jade sits behind Kevin Johnson in history.


• It's time for Ned's 25th high school reunion and as a result, he starts to spazz out.


• Ned orders an exercise bike, joins the health club, is dragged to the Beach Disco by the twins, Jessica takes him shopping and makes him try on "trendy Italian" stuff, Jess makes him listen to prog rock, the twins gave him a t-shirt from the mall that apparently did nothing for him, Jess invites him to watch music videos with her, Alice has him spend two hours of pain on that bike and enrolls him in the Marathoner's Club, which promises to work him up to a 12 mile run a day. o_O


• Mrs. Wu is a plump, conservative wife who defers to her husband, but still finds ways to convince him to come around to her way of thinking in regards to Jade. Whenever possible, that is.


• Dr. Wu wants Jade to marry a Chinese boy, preferably one from his province.


• Jade's studying the Cultural Revolution in China. She's worried people will ask her about it, as if she'd just magically know by virtue of being Chinese. They do, she doesn't.


• Patty Gilbert is the student choreographer for the dance show.


• The Sutton family car is a beige sedan.


• Jade always goes home at five after dance class and helps her mother prepare a traditional family dinner.


• Jade, Amy, Cara, and Susan Stewart are all chosen to audition in the same group.


• Amy keeps flubbing things. First there's a problem with her shoe. Then there's something in her throat and she's going to cough. Then her hair is in her eyes. None of these things help. She's still awful.


• Call backs for the solo audition: three seniors (Denise Hadley, Jennifer Morris, Yvonne White), two juniors (Cara and Susan), and Jade.


• Ms. Frankel, the assistant music teacher, is playing the piano for the auditions.


• A dozen dancers (four boys, eight girls) were chosen for the show: Betsy Weiss (sophomore), Amy, Susan, Denise, Cara, and Jade are all mentioned.


• The Droids will also be partaking in the show.


• Dee Dee Gordon is David's assistant.


• 1st Act- musical, then a short intermission, then dancing, Jade's solo, and the big chorus line finale.


• Rehearsals are from 4-6 nightly, but later Amy mentions that Jade frequently leaves early. Later the rehearsals will last longer as they get closer to the show.


• Ned's usual Friday night is reading the newspaper instead of just skimming it like he does the rest of the week.


• When he's conned into going to the Beach Disco, Ned wears "a pair of corduroy pants, a conservative stripes shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and his new purple tie." The tie, btw, is mentioned as being eye searingly awful.


• The Razors are a fantastically awful heavy metal-ish band with some awesome song titles. You Tear Me Up and Cut Me Babe, Why Don't You Cut Me.


• The Beach Disco apparently doesn't carry club soda (what Ned wants) but they do have Grape-lime-raspberry fizzes.


• When Jade keeps balking at spending time with him, David thinks she's ashamed of him and his family.


• Jade keeps water up onstage in case she gets thirsty and leaves everyday at 5pm. Amy is not thrilled by this.


• When Jade tells her mother about word getting out about Sung's Laundry, Mrs. Wu decides maybe Jade shouldn't be dancing in the show after all. Eventually Jade realizes what a brat she's been.


• Jade's big night outfit: rose colored leotard, matching tights, filmy dance skirt, and a silver barrette from Eve for luck.


• The audience loves Jade. She takes two bows and the applause continues until the finale starts.


• Mr. Wicker is there to nominate Jade for the the Amelia Higginson Award and to ask Jade to dance as an intern with the L.A. Summer Stock Dance Company in June.


• Mr. Wicker wants Jade to change her name to Jade Warren.


• Amy decides that since Jade told Mr. Wicker to shove off, he might need someone more American... like her.

Quote Me-
  As much as she liked Amy, she had to agree with her twin, Elizabeth, that Amy had an inflated sense of her own worth.- And these are your friends, Ames. p2

  "But she's Chinese! She doesn't look right for the part. The soloist for the finale should be blond, all-American like me!" - Die, Sutton. Die. p4

  Jade wanted to be American in every way. She wanted American clothes, American food, American friends. If she could look American, she'd be overjoyed. - p8

   "There's nothing unique or Chinese about my family," Jade lied, her cheeks still hot. "My dad doesn't run a laundry or anything." -Stay classy, Wu. p31

  "Did you see that tie he wore to work this morning? I don't know where he got it, but it was purple, and it had all those weird paint swirls on it. I wouldn't let Jeffrey wear something that wild!" - Like you needed proof that Liz wears the pants in that relationship. p49

  When Amy Sutton was being unreasonable, she could be very imaginative. p 53

   "But you've got a good point, Jess. Since when does he have the money to come to school with all this fancy new stuff? Like that brand-new Walkman?" -oh, 80's. You make me smile. Cara, p150


   Overall, this is kind of a crappy 50th book. It's fine as a regular book in the series, but I would have expected something bigger for a milestone such as this. My favorite bit, other than Amy being so incredibly... Amy, is that Jade doesn't sneak around behind both parents' backs to get what she wants. She appeals to her mother's sensible side and pray that Dr. Wu comes around. I don't particularly like the way Mrs. Wu seems to disregard the fallout of what will happen if Jade is unable to dance in the show, especially once she becomes to focal point of the posters, but I'd like to think she's just that confident that she'll be able to sway her husband to her side.
  You could do a lot worse in the SV-verse, but there's a reason it took me so long to buy the book. There are so many more awesome books out there.



If you collect excuses as to why there's a giant gap in posts, I offer you this: I burned out on reading in general for awhile, the Diablo Cody thing killed my SV love for a bit ( I still don't know why), my dad was in the hospital, work kicked my arse for a bit, I wanted to read other things, and all of this happened after I decided to take a mini-break until I could make sure I had all the books in the foreseable future. Namely, I had to snag a copy of #52. Then life went meh. It also explains why I've not done other things I should have. Working on fixing that. Hey, all new people.

I have good news and bad news.

Good news: I found a new source of paperback crack.

Bad news: It... didn't really have much in the way of SV [though what it did have was in pretty damn fine condition] and I think it probably ran my favorite shop out of business, because the place I usually go with the piles upon piles of SVT books and BSC books and the two shelves of SV books that I like to look at but no longer need any of *those* numbers?

Closed. Dead. Gone. No forwarding address. I could've cried. I did cry, a little. This was on top of the first store I went to not having a single SV book of ANY kind. Usually I can count on a few Jr. High books [because I never know which numbers I need, they taunt me], a good chunk of SVT books that again, I couldn't tell you whether I still needed them or not, and a couple of SVU books that I never need, plus Lila's Little Sister from the Unicorn Club. This time? NOTHING. I spent a good ten minutes admiring the fact that they'd actually straightened the section and then freaking out because there were no freakin' SV books. Hell, they barely had any BSC books and there are always BSC books.

So. Back to the good news. I've got at least one more bookstore to hit, maybe two if I can find the phone numbers for the others, and while I was at the new [to me] store, I found a couple for a couple of people. So... yay? I'll go with yay.

Playing With Fire
August 2008


Someone's going to get burned...

Welcome to Sweet Valley High- a world where good girls date princes, bad girls chase rebels, fast wheels fly down SoCal freeways, and the latest couture separates the haves from the have-nots.


  Jessica Wakefield demands attention in any crowd, from every boy. After obsessing over him for weeks, she finally lands the perfect guy: Bruce Patman. And she falls hard and fast. There's nothing she won't do for him.
  But Elizabeth soon notices a change in her twin. Jessica's usual charm, determination, and attitute are gone. She's a ghost of her old self. And Liz wonders just how far her sister will go for love.


Dear new Playing With Fire ghostwriter,
  I'm going to presume either you read the previous incarnation of your tale, or you were given a cheat sheet. I'm also going to assume you were not a giant friggin' SV fan back in the day and this is my evidence.
  You have John Pfeiffer, he of the most painful to spell [for me] names, actually dating Lois Waller. Not just linked together in a crappy Eyes and Ears blast, but actually out, on a date, with Bruce Patman as one of the other people out on this date/hanging out/whatever. I dropped the book, I was so shocked. Now, I know I should be as happy for Lois as I am for the Trix Rabbit when he does occasionally get to have some Trix, but come on, now. Lois deserves better than date rapist in training John.* And technically, I suppose it could be another Lois. But unless Ms. Lane was in town visiting, I'm betting it was THE Lois. And this, you see, cannot be. You fail at Sweet Valley. Do not pass The Dairi Burger go, do not collect 200 Tricia Martin clones.

  Anyway, I read PWF in two parts. One, I started reading one day just to see if my head would explode. This was months ago, as you might recall me bitching about Elizabeth's ridiculous catch phrase at the time. I couldn't continue because I think that phrase is so unbelievably stupid that it actually made me want to kill whomever thought it was a good idea. I still want to maim them. But, I went back and grabbed an earlier version of PWF and decided to read them in chunks, together. I'd re-read a couple of chapters of vintage PWF and then read the corresponding chapters in the new one. This was probably not the best way to go about doing it, and I probably won't repeat this in the future. It's why, towards the end, I just read the original and then, when I finished, I read the new one.

   Overall, I laughed a lot at and with the revamp. I can't say it's bad, annoying phrase aside, because it actually reworked a few bugs [Emily's subplot acknowledges that Jessica's blackmail attempt is awfully easy to deflect] and I like new!Todd. He's funny and charming and...yeah.
  Thing is, Jessica doesn't fare as well in the new version. She's actually bitchier for the most part and Bruce, in the original, at least seemed to try for a bit to keep stringing her along. New!Bruce? Yeah, no. Once he'd moved on, he just kept Jess around for... who knows why, cuz they weren't making out or screwing around. He couldn't be bothered. Which made it harder to understand why it took so long for Jessica to snap out of it. Earlier, she was still being scrambled [ahem] by the hormonal attraction that seemed to run both ways, at least so long as Bruce wasn't around his buddies. He knew enough to keep Jessica's head spinning in at least that way so that she wouldn't get classic!Jess on his ass. Until the end, that is. New!Bruce doesn't even pretend Jessica is important/attractive to him at the end.
  And I prefer Classic!Jessica throwing an entire pizza in Bruce's face rather than just one slice. Plus, she lets the air out of his tires and new Jess does not. I do like that Liz had Bruce followed as it made more sense than just assuming Bruce would've made it back within thirty minutes. He wasn't delivering pizza after all.

  I'm really not sure how the Droids fared in their reboot. I refuse to think of them as Valley of Death because it's just... no. I mean it. Just no. Anyway, I think if not for the mention of long hair, I'd have fallen for Max because he's funny this go round. He definitely got an upgrade. Guy's still an ass, but maybe that's because he's named Guy, though he got bumped from keyboards/synthesizer to lead guitar. Dan is only occasionally mentioned, Dana is still unapproachably hot, and Emily switches from stage persona to normal!prep with ease. Tony is actually more of the same, only instead of red leather pants, he wears his sunglasses at night. Indoors. And he was fired for trying to score with all the females in the bands he approached, whereas before he seemed to just have a thing for Dana and was fired from his gig for incompetence. Which, I guess could just be a nice way of saying he was an ass. Whatever. Sunglasses at night is stuck in my head and damn right you're going to share the pain!

  Overall, the tone of the book shifted. It's actually funnier and more quotable [though Todd's classic "identical twins have identical talents" line is forever lost] but it isn't as enjoyable. It lacks something and I don't know if that's simply I had twenty some odd years to become attached to the other book, or if there really is a thread missing somewhere.

  Admit it though. You're here for the changes.

( Spoilers ahoy? )




Quotes:

It was like early Michael Jackson meets old man attempting to swing dance meets boy choking on his own saliva. -Winston really stands out in a crowd. p7

"This could really be it! Valley of Death opening for Coldplay!" -Emily, I want you to stop and rethink your band name if you want to open for Coldplay. Now. p13

She blinked up at Bruce with a smile. "What did my grandparents slip me?" - Oh, Jessica... p 24

A guy couldn't do that without at least asking. And this was a first date! - and that's where Jessica draws the lines on dating etiquette and untying bikini tops in public. p 28

"Maybe I've never met a guy worth worshiping before," Jessica said with a smile.
Ew, Elizabeth thought. - You said it, middle Wakefield. Ick. p38

"You do know they make you give up all your worldly possessions? Including your Playstation."
Winston frowned. "In fact, I did not know that.Crap. There goes that idea." - Win, you wouldn't make a good monk anyway. p 78

"Like Bruce can't afford his own freaking downloads." - Liz, p79

"What are you trying to say, Liz? That I usually dress like a slut?" -Jess cuts right to the heart of the matter, huh? p85

Why couldn't he just like her instead? She was the one sitting next to him, all made up and dressed up and perfumed, while Jessica was doing God knows what in a car at the side of the road with another guy. - Ooh, Wilson, you do have the bitch spark. p95

"Are you defending my sister now?" Elizabeth asked, laughing.
Todd looked momentarily thrown. "Ew. I think I am."

"Just don't tell anyone, okay?" Todd whispered across the table. "I think I just had a psychotic break." -It was bound to happen, Todd. p101

"I can play the corporate girlfriend. Old guys love me," she joked. - I'll bet they do, Jess. p 132

"I love him, all right? I love the way I feel when he looks at me and kisses me and calls me his girlfriend. He doesn't have to give me anything because... because all that I care about is the way he makes me feel." - my heart actually softened a bit at that. So did Elizabeth's. p137

"Okay All Things Rock and Roll! I bow to your obvious musical prowess!" Max put down his guitar and genuflected - Not... exactly a bow, but reason #137 to love Max. p 153

"Like the fact that Max still wears tighty-whities. What's that about?" Dana asked.
"I find them highly comfortable," Max said, matter-of-factly. - Reason #138, and also proof that VoD/Droids know too much about one another. p 155

"To make myself feel better," Emily told her. "Not all of us can walk around cheating and blackmailing and lying and not feel guilty about it."
Jessica had a suspicion there was a dig in there somewhere, but chose to ignore it. - Really? You think? p170

"Oh my God! Enough with the chem drama already! I'm so over it." - Bruce, honey? Your drama queen is showing. p 172

"Have I told you that you're the pretties girl in the room?" he whispered.
Elizabeth blushed and laughed. "Todd, there's no way you could have seen every girl in the room yet," she joked. "Don't you want to make an informed decision?"
"Not necessary. It's always you." - New!Todd is pretty good at the first part of dating warm fuzzies. Awww. p181

When Bruce wanted to blow off a party or a dinner with her, it usually meant one thing: sexy alone time. She loved sexy alone time. -p188

"God, it's like I'm working for the blond CIA." - so true, Todd. So true. p197


UGH!
It looked like he'd finally woken up and smelled the beauty. - I'm weeping here at how awful this is. Awful. Hold me? p9

She was just going to have to hope that Jessica would wake up and smell the pathetic on her own. - A THOUSAND TIMES NO! p22

Normally, by the time Elizabeth got there, most of the hot water had long since sluiced over her sister's body. - I get where you're going with that, but it's so awkward and more than a bit skeevy, man. p 83

"I just wish she'd wake up and smell the loud-mouthed jerk." -MAKE IT STOP, LIZ! STOP! p101




  * One of these days I'm going to have to figure out how I feel about John. He's got a good 80 or so books prior to his dramatic turn and in them he's Bruce's lackey, he's one of Elizabeth's friends, and yet he throws Lila for a loop and that is just not done. But I'm not sure what to do about early!John. Do I hold his future actions against him, even though a good ten years separate them and I doubt there was a big sign over his head saying, "Don't get too attached, guys!"

Last call for anyone wanting to take advantage of this year's anniversary offer. (You tell me two books you want, condition preferred,and I'll see if I can rustle them up for you.) I plan on heading out tomorrow or possibly Tuesday, depending on store availability as well other people's plans for the most glorious week of the year. [My birthday!]

Anyway, if you want to join in, comment or email. Basically see the previous post.

Now, I need a shower and to restart the revamped Playing With Fire. My head, she shall explode.

If you could, I'd like you to take a moment away from your mourning either a musical icon [of questionable sanity] or the only Angel anyone can ever remember without prompting, and pay attention to free stuff.

That's right. It's anniversary time here and that means crap for you. Well. Free stuff. Shiny things? I dunno. Those of you with complete collections can just snicker at the photos below. Everyone else should pay attention.

We're trying something new this year. As my birthday is rapidly approaching, so approaches one of my treks out into the used book world to my favorite used bookstore that actually carries a decent amount of SV stuff. Sadly for me, it doesn't really have things I need unless I'm there with someone else. I figure that instead of driving all that way for nothing, I should have a backup. Which is where you guys come in.

Take a look at your list of missing SV books. Twins/Unicorns/Jr. High/SVH/SY/SVU hell, even Elizabeth shows up occasionally. Pick two that you want more than any others. Got those two? Good. Put them at the top of your list and either email me at snarkyimp at gmail dot com OR leave a comment here. You can put more than two books down, particularly if you want backups in case your two aren't at the stores. [Yes. For my birthday week, I cruise bookstores. Shut up.] But make sure I know which two you want most. Also, if you're at all picky about your books, you should let me know that, too. So if you merely want one to read and the condition doesn't matter, odds are much better for you. But if you don't want one where the spine has faded or is an ex-library book, you gotta let me know. I'm not psychic. You should know that if I bring the books home before mailing them out, we've got pets and my brother smokes. I don't, but some people are awfully sensitive and I don't want to inadvertently kill someone here. Also, I can't make any promises as to what the stores have, or hell, if the store even exists anymore. But I will try.

Also, you might notice that the Kids books aren't on the list. Yeah. I've got like... 10, so if anyone's going to be scooping those puppies up, it'll probably be me. You can put them as your Top Two, but I make no promises.

The love ends July 4th, as my vacation starts the next day and anytime that week I'll be attempting to forage for books. Can't forage if I don't have the list.



Onward!

So. I mentioned the Kids, right? Well, my mini ebay splurge last week yielded a small lot of SVK books and most of them I hadn't read. While reading, I marveled at how cute some of the covers were and how utterly frightening others were. Also, I pointed and laughed at the SV Reader of the Month. And because I'm evil, I thought I'd warp your brains, too.

( But since this is extra, we cut. )

Huh. Apparently the awesomness of AJ + Jessica killed LJ.

Or else LJ is having issues and we should respect their mental breakdown.

Playing For Keeps
October 1988


What's come over Jessica?

Split personality...


   Jessica Wakefield is head over heels in love with handsome A.J. Morgan. She knows he likes her, but Jessica's convinced he'd really fall in love with her if she were studious and reserved, like her twin, Elizabeth. So Jessica sets out to change her personality completely.
   But her plans are threatened when she hears about a fashion contest she just knows she could win. How can she compete and still be the shy, sweet girl that A.J. thinks she is? When the contest turns into a battle to keep A.J. as well as a competition for a designer wardrobe, Jessica has to make some difficult decisions. Will the old Jessica reappear-and risk losing A.J.-or is the quiet, serious new Jessica here to stay?



   If you ever wondered how early Jessica sees her sister, a peek at Playing For Keeps will shed some light on that. In order to conform to the idea she has of A.J.'s taste in girls, Jessica decides to model herself after Elizabeth. And, if you ignore the fact that a relationship is pretty much doomed to failure if one person is pretending to be someone else, I can see Jessica's logic here. Since she actually likes AJ, Jess is reduced to normal girl around him. She can't find the witty comeback, she can't make the right kind of small talk, she blushes way too much, and she basically goes brain dead once he gets too close. So... she acts like Liz, really, when Liz was first around Todd. Elizabeth's Jessica impersonation around AJ failed miserably and Jess became convinced that if she acted like herself, she would lose AJ. So she decides to change.
  But only when he's around. She studies. She goes to the library. She always wants to discuss her Deep Thoughts. She is so boring SHE can't stand to be around herself. And she can tell that A.J. is losing interest, so she decides that maybe all her half baked opinions are getting in the way. You know Liz. Such a crusader. So... Jessica decides to always let A.J. decide things. What sort of pizza they have, where they go, what they do... Seriously, the girl has no mind of her own and not merely because she's a fictional character.
   Lila, Amy, Cara, and Liz can't take it anymore. So they do something about it. Liz, being the free thinker that she is, decides to tell Jessica what an idiot she's being. Thing she didn't remember? She's a sap. So when Jessica cries that she really loves A.J. and that she knows that he'd never like the real Jessica Wakefield... Liz doesn't go behind Jessica's back and do anything exciting. Even when A.J. confesses that Jessica seemed like his type at first, but good God, she's just too serious all the damn time and is making him feel like a horrible person. Usually not a good sign for a relationship, y'know? Head may meet desk when Liz refuses to tell Jessica what A.J. has said. There's even a bit of an internal monologue as to why, but mostly you want to shake her and tell her that she who initiates the first pool dunk of the series can do ANYTHING, damn it!

   Luckily Lila is on the case. She finds out about a fashion show/contest that Lisette's is having. The winner gets a new wardrobe designed by Nadine, one of the bigger names among Lisette's labels. Lila is convinced that Jessica should enter because she'd win easily, but Jess is pretty sure that A.J. wouldn't like a girl who would do something like that. ...Really? You're killing me here, Wakefield. Jess does have the sense to ask why Amy wouldn't enter, and Amy tells us that Nadine's designs make her look fat. I admit it, I snorted gleefully at that. But why isn't Li entering? Because she's scheming here, people! If Jessica enters the fashion show, odds are good she'll revert to her bitch-tastic ways and boring Wakefield twin will go back to being Elizabeth. The problem is... Jessica keeps stalling on the whole entry process.

   Sooooooo. We're left with A.J. A.J. is confused. He's clearly attracted to Jessica, but at the same time she's boring him senseless. She's so serious and she never seems to want to have any fun... which is an odd thing seeing as she's always willing to do whatever he even mentions in passing. She's wearing him out and half the time he's not even sure he wants to be around her. But he can't shake the initial attraction and he doesn't want to hurt her. Tellingly, he doesn't really see himself as dating her so much as just spending a lot of time with her. At the same time, he doesn't feel he can just date whomever else he wants because there's obviously something going on between the two of them. So not what he signed up for.
  While pondering these things, A.J. and Jessica stumble across a girl drowning in the ocean. AJ rushes in and rescues the girl and when they return to shore Jessica [and AJ] realize the girl is a knockout. The victim, Pamela, takes one look at AJ and acting-like-a-doormat-Jessica and decides the best way to repay him is to steal him away from Jessica. So she turns on the charm and out Jessicas the old Jessica. AJ isn't completely unaware of this fact [other than he doesn't know his Jessica is capable of such actions as well] and Jessica is seething. She can't smack the bitch down or even fight back because the persona she's so carefully crafted dictates that she's just too sweet and kind and good to do such a thing.
   Which is what Pamela is counting on. She's pretty successful in stealing AJ away, though he does feel guilty and a little confused as to why he's falling for someone who is so not his type. I'm thinking meeting her in the ocean while having to hold her voluptuous self pretty damn close is probably helping a great deal here, but what do I know?

  Meanwhile, Liz is getting a little worried. She's pretty sure that by holding on in such an annoying way, Jess is really just pushing AJ away, but still she won't tell her twin that AJ's already halfway out the door. There's this fun blowup where Liz demands to know if Jessica really thinks she's as boring and awful as she's been pretending and... yeah. She does. That right there is probably worth reading the book for.

  Lila, as always, is carefully plotting. She enlists Elizabeth's help in convincing Jessica to sign up for the fashion show and while at Lisette's, Pamela appears. Pamela makes the cardinal sin of insulting Lila [to her face, no less] and Lila instantly vows to take the conniving rich Whitehead Academy [really, whitehead? And not a single SVH kid points out that that's also a zit? Really?] bitch doooooooooown. She's all kinds of a good friend to Jessica throughout this and my Lila love is off the charts.
  Eventually Lila realizes the only way to shock Jessica back into being herself is to play up what an amazingly gorgeous girl Pamela is and how it's no wonder AJ's eyes are wandering and she'll probably be impossible to beat in the fashion show, knowing full well that the competitive streak that lies within all Wakefields will burst forth. At the same time, Li is banking on Pamela being such a bitch that she'd sink to at the very lead goading Jessica. Even better. Pamela cheats. She ruins outfit after outfit of Jessica's and the only way for Jess to save face is to drop the Liz act and be herself. Unafraid, self centered, fantastic Jessica. And with each trip down the runway, everyone's hopes rise, just a little. That is, until the swimsuit portion of the evening.
   Pamela dumps water on Jessica [yes, Pamela, use water on the only outfit that should look even BETTER when wet. You moron!] and Jessica loses her cool. She and Pam square off and everyone in the audience can hear them. Including AJ. Jessica rips Pamela's backbone out and uses it to strengthen her own fledgling spine, and just in time for the real fun, Lila and Amy pull back the curtains and everyone gets to see the showdown. Jess looks amazing [Liz describes it weirdly. I get sister crush vibes and I try very hard not to get those from these books] and naturally no power on Earth can stand up to a Wakefield at the end of a book, so... Nadine crowns Jessica the winner, AJ realizes that he can have his attraction to Jessica and his attraction to bitchy Alpha females all in the same package... and Lila is just awesome.

  There's talk of Jade Wu and her amazing dancing and this show that's going to be put on in the next book, but my eyes glazed over at this point.



Trivia:

• When asked what she's thinking about, Jess responds, "Nuclear war. You know- how terrible it would be if there was one and everything."


• Amy manages to find herself upgraded to Jessica's best friend. Cara, however, has been downgraded. This is not a good trade, Wakefield. Not a good trade at all.


• Jess reads If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking [Emily Dickinson] to AJ. It's from the book One Hundred and One Famous Poems. When that fails to knock his socks off, she begins to read "O Captain, My Captain!" which is great for Dead Poets Society [and that memory gives me the warm fuzzies] but... AJ is a bit horrified at the thought of hearing the whole damn thing.


• Alice is trying to lower Ned's cholesterol.


• Liz has upgraded her recorder to a less plastic piece of crap version.


• Jess panics and says she wants to see a "green crested pod-eater" while she and AJ are hiking. He does an admiral job of not laughing himself to death. Well played, Morgan. Well played.


• Don't tell Winston, but Jeffrey was the one who forgot to bring the napkins for the picnic at Secca Lake. Apparently someone always forgets something.


• In the game of Skins versus Shirts, AJ plays Skins. You may swoon. Or not. I mean, redheads are traditionally freckled and while I'm on the swoonage side, I gather not everyone else is. But most of the SVH girls are swooning. No word from Tom McKay, though.


• Pamela Janson goes to Whitehead Academy in Bridgewater. She has dark, curly hair, a "voluptuous" figure, huge blue eyes fringed by thick, black lashes. She's gorgeous, but doesn't have the sense not to mock Lila to her face. Nor is she particularly subtle. She drives a white Mercedes convertible, which AJ drools over.


• Pamela's house is gray stone on the rocks [seriously] with a small Japanese garden by the front entrance, and a hot tub back by the greenhouse.


• Pamela's parents are in Denver when she tries to seduce AJ.


• While AJ is trying not to cheat on Jessica [but wanting to], and Jessica's waiting for him in the library, Lila and Amy appear at the library to photocopy stuff out of an encyclopedia. Ah, memories. And feeling old.


• Nadine's designs make Amy look fat.


• AJ's got brown eyes. Dreamy!


• Liz is more than okay with the idea of a fashion show, but later she'll pitch a fit over beauty pageants. Which, normally I'd say is different enough that it's not exactly a case for the Continuity Police, but since Nadine is attempting to find someone with enough moxie to inspire her, it's not merely a fashion show. It's still a contest as well. On the other hand, maybe she wants non-nuclear war Jessica back.


• The big event for the next book is a fund raising show. I... really do wonder about the wisdom of putting on a show like that after the total cheese [with love!] of the fashion show. I mean really.


• Amy delights in telling us she took tap and pointe dancing. Oh, Amy. No one cares.


• The Modern Girl Fashion Show is at the East end of the Mall, where Santa's workshop is during the holiday season, at 1PM, with the rehearsal Friday at 6pm.


• Slam books aren't forgotten. Jess makes most schizophrenic. Additional slam book categories: Most Popular was split between Jessica and Elizabeth. Future High School Coach - Ken Matthews, which is a bit of a burn because, um, as cool as some coaches are, there are plenty who aren't. I love you anyway, Ken. Girl with the Most of Everything - Lila and the Girl Most Likely To Appear On The Cover of Time - Amy.


• Much is made about how good Jade is at dancing, but what makes her better than Bruce's blonde from Troublemaker?


• Pamela snagged Jessica's nubby blue dress, broke the zippers on her denim outfit, and drenched her bathing suit and cover up.

Quotes:

  "Hey, Most Popular," he teased, referring to one of the slam book categories in which Elizabeth's name had appeared frequently.
  She grinned and stuck her tongue out. "Only tied for first place, don't forget."
  "Well, I don't know if that really counts," Enid said. "I mean, two people who look exactly alike and talk alike and everything else- that's not really sharing first place. You're most popular as a unit." - another reason Jeffrey/Enid/Elizabeth is fun. Enid doesn't have to worry about being lame and instead is insightful. p 3

  Of course, nearly everyone at Sweet Valley liked and admired Jessica, too, but for completely different reasons. Her attitude towards life was positively regal. She liked to believe that everything revolved around her. - So... Jessica is a cat? p4

  "A.J.? Can I read you something?"
  "Sure. What is it?"
  "One of my favorite poems," she replied, meeting his eyes with a luminous smile.
  It had been one of her favorite poems since she found it the night before. - If you need me, I'll be on the floor giggling. p 15


Time is a grinding wheel of merciless pain
We are trapped in our lives
until the hour of death.
But love breaks our chains and lets us fly
into the universe
Where everything is real and alive
Forever.


  "Hey, maybe you're right. Something sweet and beautiful. Oooh!" She hugged Elizabeth again impulsively. "You're the greatest sister in the world, Liz. How about something about a rainbow? Or flowers?" - Cuz that's a poem any normal teenage boy would loooooove to read. From merciless pain to rainbows and flowers. Where, I ask, are the fluffy kittens? p39

  "Amy, you weigh about ten million pounds," she added with a petulant frown. - Lila love! p95

  "I hope you liked what we picked," Jessica said in a bright cheerful voice. "I can't always remember who sings what, you know? I don't know much about contemporary music." This is after Liz has assured poor AJ that Jess loves all music. Oh sweet, sweet timing. Plus, um, contemporary music? I'm having a Bowie/Bing flashback. Excuse me a moment. p109

  "Jess. Please, please stop acting that way around A.J."
  "What way?" Jessica prompted, her cheeks warming.
  "You know. Spineless. Weak-like a complete airhead! You're going to lose him if you keep it up!"
  Jessica swallowed hard. She met her twin's eyes and said, "I'm only acting the way you do." -Ooooh. p111





   I'd forgotten how awesome Lila was in this book. Each time she stood up for Jessica and came to the rescue, my tiny little heart grew three sizes. This might be one of the first times Lila actually proves she's a really good friend to Jessica, and it doesn't have everything to do with shocking Jess into acting like she used to. She stands up for Jessica when Jessica won't let herself, she plots and schemes and it's never about making Jess lose AJ. You know Lila figures AJ will love Jess even more when she drops the damn act. And there's nothing in it for Lila.
  So, if I can make conspiracy theories for everyone else, I'm going to pretend Lila pulled strings and had Nadine throw the show just so Jessica would win. Cuz, I don't know if you heard, but Lila's rich like that. :P Pamela sure as hell missed that memo.

  As a kid, I had a serious thing for AJ. I don't know why seeing as he's kind of a bore as I re-read these, but I do like that we're given numerous chapters [okay, at least two] from his point of view and that he's not oblivious to the game Pamela is playing. Also? As a kid, I loved the hell out of this puzzle. It was usually the one on top of my dresser because I thought they looked like an adorable couple and I thought it was the cutest thing that Jessica had finally found someone. Annnnnnd because I'm a big old dork, I bought another one. This also happens to be one of my favorite covers.

Sooooo. Working, sort of, on reading the updated version of Playing With Fire. Whoever decided the phrase, "wake up and smell the beautiful" or whatever it was [and I promise I'll share because it's close to that] should have been fired right there on the spot. Later we replace beautiful with pathetic and my brain stops and dies a painful death. Once I convinced it to come back to life with the promise of sugary caffeine, I read the preview for Power Play.

Oh.

My.

Lord.

Miss SVH? Really? Really?

Good. Freakin'. God. We couldn't have left it as a simple Jessica is a heinous bitch concerning the sanctity of PBA why, exactly? The beauties. The hell?

Slam Book Fever
September 1988

Look What's Hit Sweet Valley!

Predictions...

   Slam books are the newest craze at Sweet Valley High. They're do-it-yourself books of lists and predictions about everyone in school. They start out as fun but soon stir up big trouble.

   First, Jeffrey French, Elizabeth Wakefield's boyfriend, gets paired up with another girl under the category, "Couple of the Future." Then Elizabeth gets matched with the new boy at school, A.J. Morgan- and her twin, Jessica is furious because she's the one who's fallen hard for A.J.

   Will the mysterious slam book entries spell the end of happiness for both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield?


   Ah, Slam Book Fever. The book most non SVH fans remember for whatever reason. Is it due to the law of the '80's and 90's that declared that at least once in every teen girl's life [and the occasional teen boy's as well] she would run across a slam book? That if she were high [or low] enough on the social ladder she would probably have her own and be mentioned in a category or two? Possibly. Or maybe it's because for ages if you looked up SVH online, you'd end up at Dwanollah's site. Which isn't to say you still don't end up there. You do. Don't deny it.

  Whatever the reason, SBF is right up there with Double Love in terms of cover visibility and the Evil Twin for plot recognition.

   But we have a formula to follow...so please, allow me to remind you of the glory that is Slam Book Fever.

  It's been awhile since Amy was in the spotlight, what with that whole being partially responsible for Regina trying coke and then dying thing. So Amy reminds everyone that dude, she went away for four years to Connecticut! And back East, they had these things. Called notebooks. But when you divided them into lists and categories, they magically morphed into Slam Books. Jessica and the rest of the bitchy clique of SVH are intrigued. Tell us more, they implored of Amy, all while reminding us that Amy's personality is mostly that of an annoying know it all, boy crazy, vapid, back stabbing bitch. Sadly, I only editorialized a little there. Anyway, Amy tells them how fantastic these slam books are and how awesome it is to find out what your classmates [at least the girls] really think of you.
   Jessica is sure that she'll crop up under Most Popular [sorority president, [co-]captain of the cheerleaders...] or possibly Most Beautiful... but everyone else has her pegged for Biggest Flirt. And Jessica is outraged that anyone would dare call her a flirt. Cara, Lila, Amy, and just about everyone who has ever met Jessica are a little thrown by how ticked Jessica seems.
   Cara wonders, ever so cautiously, what exactly Jessica would call herself then, if not... flirty?
  Friendly. DUH.
   Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

  Jessica's flip out aside, the Slam Books have everyone's attention. Liz appears so we can have our compare and contrast between the twins, and true to form, Liz points out that the Slam Books have the potential to really hurt people's feelings and she'd hate for someone to be hurt needlessly. Everyone at the catty table points out that there's the big difference between the twins. Jess is full steam ahead and Liz is prophesizing doom and gloom. After school Amy and the coalition for cattiness go and buy matching marble notebooks and the Slam Books begin.

   Meanwhile we run into the new guy on campus. Tall. Red haired. Gorgeous enough to tongue tie Jessica without even trying. You all remember him. A.J. Morgan from Atlanta. Jess is so smitten by A.J. that she acts more like Elizabeth around him than she does herself. She can't make small talk, she can't flirt, she can't really do anything but stand there and sort of drool. She's sure that A.J. thinks she's a complete moron and refuses to admit her crush to anyone, even when specifically asked about it. My soft spot for Jessica grows infinitely in these moments because a) who can't relate, and b) she's no longer Alpha Twin. She's actually more human than she's been in awhile.

  Over in Elizabeth land, Olivia has asked Liz to co-edit the new literary magazine, but Liz had to turn her down because of time constraints and wanting to actually see her boyfriend occasionally. So Olivia asks Jeffrey and he's in the process of turning her down, but he does offer his photography skills to help the lit magazine look gorgeous, while still leaving him time to spend with Liz. Olivia lets it slip that she's got the opposite problem. She's trying to work herself into oblivion because she and Roger are breaking up, but neither one is ready to officially cut the ties that bind just yet. Liz and Jeffrey are both shocked [as was I the first go round] because Olivia and Roger have been together for ages and they always seemed like such a rock solid couple.* L/J both worry that if Olivia and Roger can break up, the Wonder Couple could, too. So they reassure each other how much they love one another and that's that.
   Only it's not because that's less than a third of the way into the book.

  Back to the slam books. Everyone's enjoying the hell out of them until... Jessica catches sight of being named Biggest Flirt. She's ticked and hurt and worried that AJ will think she's not his type and definitely not worth his time now. Liz is a bit surprised when everyone starts putting Olivia and Jeffrey down as a new couple in the Crystal Ball section of the slam books. At first she's ready to play it off as people and their idle gossip, but then it keeps happening and she starts to wonder if maybe they're seeing something she just doesn't want to see. Her suspicions rise when Olivia and Roger really do break up and suddenly Olivia and Jeffrey are spending all their time together. Then again, Jeffrey had warned her beforehand that he was going to use Olivia as his model for the lit magazine because he needed someone who could pull of moody and he just couldn't see Elizabeth that way. Oh, sweet sledgehammer of subtlety and foreshadowing. Bet he saw her in a different light when Cara told Elizabeth she saw Jeffrey and Olivia making out at a rest stop on Route 9 and Liz immediately went off to flirt like crazy with AJ.

   Lila of all people offers to help mediate, and Jeffrey... takes her up on it. And so does Liz. It never occurs to anyone that Li would have an ulterior motive. Because apparently they all took their stupid pills. But it's also a bit fitting, because Liz has been proven to have a serious jealous side [see Todd] and Jeffrey's a bit thick. Or maybe just figures that Liz should know him better by now, that he's not the game playing sort and if he wanted to see Olivia instead, he'd tell Liz. But he doesn't, so he doesn't, and she's still flirting with AJ. Which is pissing Jessica off to no end.

   Olivia isn't exactly thrilled that Elizabeth has turned on her and since she knows Jeffrey is still in love with Liz, Olivia decides to figure out who started the stupid Liv + Jeff = <3 thing in the first place. She gets the idea that whomever started the rumour wouldn't have bothered to put it in their own slam book, and... well, Lila has never been known for her selfless acts, has she? So Olivia and Jessica, masquerading as Elizabeth doing an article on the Slam Book stats, round up as many slam books as they can find. Only Lila doesn't have Jeffrey and Olivia down under future couples. They run to tell Elizabeth their suspicions because Lila is on her way to tell Jeffrey to give up on Elizabeth. Liz realizes she's been duped by Lila Fowler and runs to explain her insanity to Jeffrey. See below.

( Elizabeth Wakefield's Slam Book )

  Yes. They kiss and make up and all is Right With The World. Liv and Liz create a new category in the slam books called Class Sneak and Lila knows she's been busted.

( Slam Book Entries )

  Now that Liz isn't chasing after AJ, Jess feels free to.... continue to act more like Elizabeth than herself because she thinks AJ would prefer a sweet, gentle, quiet Wakefield twin. Everyone else can see how badly this will turn out, but Jess is too far gone to care. She's in Love.

*- I really wish they'd had the Olivia/Roger thing be it's own book, or at least a C-plot for the last couple of books leading up to this. As it was, hello whiplash. Even knowing it's coming, it still seemed out of left field, which takes some skill. That said, I did like their brief scenes together, which is probably why I wanted more, damn it.

Trivial Pursuit:

• For whatever reason, the SVH caf is exceptionally crowded the day Amy unveils her slam book idea.


• Liz likes ham and swiss cheese sandwiches.


• Chez Victoire is one of the most exclusive French restaurants in LA.


• Jessica does not like being called a flirt. At all. It makes her crazy.


• The best slam books are in marble notebooks. Everything is better in marble. It's what I use when writing the trivia for these things. Well. What I started with. Then Liz confiscated my slam book. Or I lost it. Whatever. Marble!


• When pondering the categories she's sure to sweep, Jessica thinks along the lines of Most Popular, Most Beautiful. Everyone else is thinking Biggest Flirt.


• Slam Book Categories : Least Likely To Go On A Date Before The Year 2000, Most Likely To Always Be A Millionaire, Best Dressed, Least Down to Earth, Most Likely To Have A Million Dollars By Age 30, Most Likely To Get Married First, Most Likely To Be Famous, Class Clown, Most Likely To Be In People Magazine, New Couples of The Future, Biggest Flirt,


• Winston is chosen for the People category. It's a bit of a pity one though, as he seems genuinely hurt that he's only thought of as Class Clown. On, Winston. We love you.


• Olivia is working on a literary magazine which she asked Liz to co-edit, but Liz declined.


• Did we know Bruce's father's middle name was Wilson? Henry Wilson Patman.


• Out of nowhere, Liv and Roger are not only on the rocks, but breaking up.


• Wave One of Slam Book Fever: Lila, Jessica, Cara, Robin, Maria, and Amy


• Jess breaks in Amy's slam book, Amy does Lila's, and Lila does Robin's.


• First Category in Jessica's sb? Class Clown.


• The first category in either Cara or Maria's is Most Conceited.


• Jess puts Bruce down as Most Concieted. Biggest Brain? Peter DeHaven.


• Liz and Jeffrey are first in someone's book as Best Couple.


• Most Fascinating New Male [Lila's book] has AJ written twice. Seriously, how many 'new' guys could possibly win this, Li? For shame.


• A.J. Morgan: Adam Joseph, he's an army kid from Atlanta, red hair, tall, basketball player [new to the game] who loves baseball as well. He's apparently catnip to the senior girls in his art class, according to Maria who is in the same class.


• Anatomy of an Olivia/Roger fight: Roger hurts Olivia's feelings, intentionally or otherwise. Olivia strikes back or picks a fight. Liv and Roger find themselves unwilling to let go and unable to truly fix whatever has gone wrong, so the cycle repeats.


• At the first sign of potential waning attention to her slambook idea, Amy has them create the Crystal Ball sections. Someone is desperate for attention...


• AJ scores 28 points in his first game while Jess fumbles horribly in various cheers. Whoops. Sandy picks up on Jessica's crush first.


• When Liz asks Alice if she ever gets jealous, Alice scoffs at the idea and then admits that when Ned first started at his current law firm, there was a young, pretty British woman named Annabel who was very interested in Ned. To your fanfics, people!


• Cara had a dental appointment in Riverside and along Route 9 she sees Jeffrey and Cara in what she thinks is a passionate embrace. Their eventual excuse? Olivia had something in her eye. Seriously, guys. The proper lie is Olivia was so overcome with sadness over the breakup that she needed a hug. That Liz and I could buy. This whole speck of dust or whatever? No.


• Aaron Dallas, the poster child for anger management, never once gets ticked when his best friend's girlfriend throws herself at the new guy in front of him. Repeatedly. I cry bullshit. Or maybe the ghosty didn't know that Aaron was the wrong backup character to use because he's Jeffrey's bestest [and only] friend. Whatever. Boy would have beaten A.J. down or at least pulled Liz aside and asked when she started taking skank pills.


• Lila bets she can get Liz to talk to Jeffrey after he and Olivia show up at the beach with their lame "something in Liv's eye" story, and of course Lila probably tells Liz that Jeffrey and Olivia were holding hands or something, so Liz glares at Jeffrey and stalks off. So, Lila loses her bet and "has" to take Jeffrey to L'Escalier. No one is intially suspicious of Lila's newfound philonthropy because she never makes a bet she'll definitely lose, especially not an expensive one. Guys, really. It's not losing if it's essentially a date with a guy you've been into for the last... 15 books or so. :P


• Dear Ghostwriters of the Past: I don't know where in the South you all grew up, but I really don't think "quiet and sweet" are necessarily words you should use to describe Southern girls in a general way. This, by the way, is AJ's type. Everyone snickers when he describes Jess this way, and even Jess is a little thrown, but hey, compliments about her? Always. Welcome.


• I never understood why Lila's never bothering to hook Jeffrey and Olivia's names in her own slam book was damning evidence. Surely she would have missed someone else's slam book? Oh, and Lila's handwriting is kind of distinct. Just sayin'...


• Jess and Olivia gather 31 slam books and even Elizabeth has one.


• Olivia's literary magazine is called Visions. Aren't all HS lit mags called Visions?


• AJ is under the impression Jess writes childrens books. Everyone else chokes at the thought.


• Liz is reading Tender Is The Night and Jess wants the Cliff's Notes version. Because reading is like, hard and stuff.


• I think it's cute that we get Liv, Liz, and Li.

Quote This:

  Jessica was certain that she was only going to find out good things about herself. Or, at least, things she already knew. She wouldn't be surprised if she were described as most popular. After all, she was a co-captain of the cheerleading squad and the president of Pi Beta Alpha, the most exclusive sorority at Sweet Valley High. Or maybe even most beautiful... - Modest as ever, Jessica. p 5

   Amy and Jessica exchanged a glance. It was just like Elizabeth to come up with a sensible objection. - Pepsi snorted through nose? Painful. p 6

  Jessica felt her face burn. "I'm not a flirt," she objected. "I don't know what you guys are talking about."
  Amy started to laugh. "Come on, Jess. You- not a flirt? Are you kidding?"
  Jessica was beginning to get annoyed. "I'm not kidding," she said flatly. "I don't happen to think of myself as flirtatious."
  The table fell quiet for a minute. "Jess," Cara said a bit timidly," what would you call it if it isn't being flirtatious?"

  "I guess I deserve all the credit," she mused. "I mean, just think about it. If it weren't for me, no one would even know what a slam book is." She frowned. "Do you think everyone appreciates me for introducing the idea? Or is everyone going to forget it was mine?"
  Jessica patted her on the arm. "We'll all remember, Amy. We'll put up a big commemorative plaque in the front hallway." - This is why I love SVH. Truly. Amy/Jess, p 29/30

  "I'm not a flirt," she added sulkily, not giving Lila a chance to protest. "Since when have you guys seen me flirting?"
  Lila started to tick off on her fingers. "Remember that chef who taught the gourmet cooking class?"
  "What about all those friends of Steve's from college?" Cara added. Cara dated Steven, the twins' older brother, and knew how many times Jessica had fallen for one of his friends. Or at least flirted with them.
  "Not to mention Aaron Dallas, Nicholas Morrow..." Lila offered.
  "And Alex Kane," Cara added, referring to a musician Jessica had recently had a crush on.
  "And what about Jeremy Frank?" Lila demanded.
  Jessica cut her off. "That was all ages ago. It's ancient history. Can't you guys see I've changed?"
  Lila and Cara looked at her, then at each other. "You look the same to me," Lila said philosophically. p 34





   Seriously, what else do you need to know about Slam Book Fever? It's awesome and it's awful all at the same time. Jessica's certifiable but she teams up with Olivia, and that's worth the price of admission right there. Amy offers one of her only contributions to the SVH legacy [the others being stealing Bruce thus killing Regina and helping Tom realize he's totally gay] and it's Slam Book Fever. Really. Go.

  But while you're reading [most likely re-reading] this classic, please tell me why Aaron Dallas didn't punch AJ? Or pull Liz aside and ask why she was cheating on his best friend? Cuz really, Aaron, even after the anger management, probably would have had at least something to say.

Oh, and this doesn't live up to my terribly high standards, blame technology. It kept dying on all fronts as I tried. That, or you could blame Amy. Cuz she's the root of all known evil.

Troublemaker
August 1988


Has Julie Porter fallen for the wrong guy?

Blind love...


   No one at Sweet Valley High can understand why a shy, sensitive girl like Julie Porter is attracted to someone as conceited as Bruce Patman. But no matter what anyone says, Julie detects a warmth in Bruce's piercing blue eyes that's meant only for her.
   Julie's longtime neighbor and friend, Josh Bowen, isn't fooled. He's trying to get into Bruce's fraternity, and he knows what the arrogant senior is really like. When he hears that Bruce has invited Julie to a Phi Epsilon party as his date, he's sure that Bruce has a rotten trick in mind. Josh tries to warn Julie and she's furious. She's never had a serious boyfriend before, and she can't understand why everyone's trying to spoil her happiness. But will Bruce make Julie happy, or is he just out to break another heart?


  In an effort to sucker in the SVT readers who were slowly outgrowing the Twins series and were ready for the big leagues, the powers that be behind SVH decided to throw poor Julie Porter into the mix. In the grand scheme of SVH, she matters very little. But since she was a fairly big player [as big as one of Liz's backup geeks can be] in the Twins series, we've got to find something for her to do. So, the PtB decided to have her fall for Bruce.
   In a way, it's genius. Back in the day Julie and Amy were friends, too. Now Julie's the band geek and Amy's the pretty popular cheerleader, and yet both have fallen for Bruce because they're both... cuckoo for self-centered millionaires?


  Which is why this has taken so long. Troublemaker is not my most favorite of the SVH books. Mostly because Julie... is an idiot. But I'm skipping ahead again. Let's back up, shall we?

   Julie and Elizabeth have been hanging out quite a bit with their recorder duets and Liz does what Liz does best. Is nosy. She meets Julie's friend Josh who is, as the cover art shows us, super hot. [Seriously, while it's not Bruce's finest hour, Josh? Is yummy. And I normally never say these things.] Liz does that Liz thing where she asks why the two aren't hooking up and the Js are surprised she'd even think such a thing because hello, not interested. A little prying and we learn that Julie thinks Bruce Patman is the epitome of hot. Cover of this book aside, I can agree with that assessment. Liz can't fault the guy for his physical aspects, but tries to point out that the Regina arc aside, he's an ass. Why she doesn't point out that he was an ass even to REGINA I'll never understand. It's logical and logic in the Valley dies a quick, painful death I suppose. Julie argues that Bruce has obviously been hurting since Regina's death and that she believes she could help him get over the pain. One sweet girl for another one?
  Liz tries to argue against this logic but cannot because it could, in theory, happen.

   Except we've figured out that half the allure for Bruce was that there was a lot of drama going on with Regina. It was not a normal relationship even before you factored into the equation Regina's stunning good looks and massive wealth, both of which are things the Patmans do so love ever so much.
  So Liz thinks that it could, maybe happen, except usually Bruce goes for the flashier girls. Later Jessica will echo this exact same sentiment. Still, neither Liz nor Julie really sees the point in dwelling too long because odds are good Bruce and Julie will never really cross paths.

  Dun.
  Dun.
  DUN!

   Josh, you see, is pledging the fraternity and because Bruce is Bruce, he's leading the pledge hazing this go round. There's being shoved into lockers, eating ice cream til you puke, cross dressing, cleaning, acting like an organ grinder's monkey... Really, sounds like a blast, huh? Actually, it doesn't sound so horrible as far as hazing goes, right?
  Except... Bruce keeps humiliating Josh in front of Julie. Bruce hatches a plan that kills whatever might have been left of his nice guy image. He invites Julie to the frat party and then, instead of picking her up, arranges for her to meet him there. Julie agrees because he's Bruce Patman *dreamy sigh* and even if they don't work out, it'll be a night to remember. Oh, Julie... So, Julie and Bruce are in the makeout alcove and Bruce gets up to change the music under the guise of wanting Their Song to be something special. He picks out some Jazz Fusion combo thing and Jules is swooning over there when the lights are dimmed further and 'Bruce' returns and they start kissing.
  Only they've got an audience. And when they both open their eyes, Josh and Julie realize Bruce is an asshole.
   Wait. No. Josh realizes this and Julie thinks Josh was in on it for his precious, stupid frat prank. Julie runs out, Josh is torn, and I'm so bored I could cry. Even as a kid I could tell you where this was going. Julie blames Josh, Josh wants to live up to his older brother's reputation so he sticks with his pledging even though he thinks Bruce is a complete asshole and none of the other frat boys stick up for Josh [or any of the other pledges] because Todd Wilkins is in Vermont and as a parting gift, half the frat handed their balls over to him. The other half belong to Bruce. You know how it goes.
   After the kiss, Josh is set up as the aforementioned monkey, kissing girls at random and of course, just as soon as Julie starts to think she'll get over her humiliation, he kisses her in public again. And she runs off. Again.
  Josh is still torn. He wants to be just like Phil was in HS, but this... doesn't seem like something Mythic Brother would have been apart of. Hurting Julie repeatedly is not what he signed up for, but what does he care? She's not his... and yes. Saint Elizabeth was right. He's got feelings for her. And she must because she keeps freaking out more than even shy girls [that'd be me] would. GASP. But she's mad! Furious, even! So he ropes Liz into telling Julie his side, Julie listens but won't give him a chance until he tells Bruce to back the fuck off.
   Josh finally grows a pair when Bruce asks him to do yet another prank aimed at hurting Julie. Something with a lot of Jello. Yeah. Our climactic scene involves Jell-o. Now, you might remember that Bruce has a thing against people dumping food or drinks on him. So what does Josh do? He creates a stunning pyramid of Jell-o and dumps it all over Bruce.
  I wake up and cheer because, well, Bruce may be pretty, but he's an ass. And I always cheered when someone popular and evil got what was coming to them.
   Josh hurries over to Julie to explain that he's finally figured out that she's more important to him than the stupid fraternity or living up to Phil's legacy and she shushes him. They kiss and all is well. Yaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwn.

   Jess, on the other hand, has been doing more wacky hijinks. DeeDee Gordon tells her there's a new play and that it involves dancing. You might recall from the SVT series that Jess used to take ballet and was very, very good. And if you don't remember any of this don't worry. They'll remind you with the sledgehammer of subtlety. Ow. Liz points out that this was four years ago and dude, she's bound to be a little rusty. Jess blows her off and is sure that she'll be prima ballerina in no time. One sprain later and Jess is willing to admit that maybe, just maybe, someone else might be better.
   But only because she's obviously a super awesomely dedicated ballerina named Danielle. We run into her blond bitchery while Jess and Lila are shopping for a leotard for Jess to wear during her audition. Jess takes one look at Danielle and realizes that this girl oozes grace without trying. If she tries out, too, Jess. Is. DOOMED. Lila points out that someone who is obviously that dedicated to dance wouldn't bother with a stupid high school production and is probably concentrating on her Career. Jess goes over, hints, and finds out that Lila is right.
   Only Li isn't right. Danielle shows up at auditions and is going for Jessica's role. Jess flounces off, certain she'll never get the role now... only when she comes back, realizing that if she leaves now everyone will know she was too chicken to compete, she sees Danielle klutzing it up all over the stage. Oooh! Not so good now, are you ballerina girl? So Jess tries out. And tries to do too much and ends up with her grand floppe, which is the only reason to read this damn book. The grand floppe is LEGENDARY. Our director loves it and begs for more. So.. Jess does. It's not until Jess wins the part that she realizes her character, Essie, is supposed to be a delusional tutu wearer. She's supposed to be awful. Jess is... the comic relief! Noooooooooooo!

   Epic. I snorted my Pepsi at the wink-wink moment there. Jess considers backing out but Liz points out that really, people will love her even more for acting the fool. And for once, Liz is right. This doesn't stop Jess from trying to prove that she's really a good dancer being forced to look like an idiot, but eventually Jessica goes with the flow and is fantastic.

  Everything ends happily and we're set up for Slambook Fever. SCORE? Score!

Trivia

• DeeDee is the new president of the Drama Club.


• The barre Ned and Alice set up is still in the basement of the Wakefields' home.


• The play this week is You Can't Take It With You. Neither twin has read it.


• The call backs from You Can't... interfere with the Phi Epsilon party at Bruce's at 8pm. Don't worry, everyone makes it there. Eventually.


• According to TM, it's been six months since Mrs. Porter's death. Which would be fine, I guess, but it was six months ago back in book 37. You can't tell me we aren't up to at least month seven.


• Liz plays her recorder beautifully until the end of any given piece and then she flubs fantastically.


• Julie is so short that she has to get up on tip-toe to reach the top of her locker.


• Josh Bowen is tall with brown hair, and is the same height and build as Bruce Patman. He drives a blue Chevrolet.


• Phil Bowen is a sophomore at Princeton and thus obviously Josh's older brother. He was class valedictorian, president of the senior class, and a member of Phi Epsilon.


• Elizabeth mentions how when Todd was a member of Phi Ep, the frat wasn't all mean spirited hazing. For some reason I rejoice at this casual mention of Toddikins.


• Apparently Bruce and NEXT would be a perfect fit, seeing as that's essentially Bruce's dating preference. Ten seconds to prove yourself and then, if you're found wanting... NEXT. I feel dirty being able to make that connection.


• I misread "How did your duet go with Julie this afternoon" as "How did your date with Julie.." And I kept doing so for the entirety of the book. You know you did, too.


• Casey's Concoction: Sundae covered with three sauces and chocolate dust.


• Casey's Diet Breaker: Ice cream mixed with several kinds of candy and nuts [in this case pistachio ice cream], four choc chip cookies sticking out from the sides, covered with crushed pineapple and butterscotch sauce, all topped by an inch or two of whipped cream.


• Mrs. Bowen is 2nd chair clarinet in the Orchestra with Mr. Porter.


• Jules bitterly points out the various things the guy in the frat have in common. Breathing, eating, sleeping... I think she left out one crucial bit of anatomy that also bonds them together.


• Frat Roll Call: Bruce Patman, Ronnie Edwards, Winston, Michael Harris, Tom McKay, Bill Chase, John Pfeifer


• Frat Hazing: Locking pledges in lockers, forcing Josh to eat 5 of Casey's Concoctions and other assorted sundae types, dressing in costume/drag, setting up for the party, cleaning up for the party, acting as if the SVH caf was a restaurant and acting as hosts and waiters.


• Danielle Alexander [senior] has blond hair, is fantastically tall [I thought ballerinas were supposed to have the long legs but not necessarily the height?], and glides instead of merely walking. She's trying out for the LA Ballet Company.


• Hugh is going to the basketball game at his school instead of a frat party at Bruce's with Enid. I'm... wondering whether this is a brilliant move on his part or boneheaded because of the mansion of awesome?


• Liz confuses Julie's playing with that of Horowitz or Rubinstein. Either she's that good or Liz is that delusional. Discuss.


• Jeffrey bought Liz cologne when a department store spritzer sprayed him by mistake. Well, Jeffrey is awfully pretty...


• Lila and John Pfeifer have been out on a couple of dates and now he's completely hung up on Li. She wants Liz to invent a bit of Oracle gossip about Lila and a UCLA football playing male model to get John off her case. In about... forty books or so Liz, you might wish you had.


• Ha! Liz gets gossip blocked by Lila when Liz won't make up the aforementioned UCLA story.


• Bruce's mysterious first date for the party is a tall, slender, blond senior. Hrmm, who could that be? Oh, yeah, Danielle.


• This is the birth of Jessica's grand floppe!


• Julie doesn't know which mansion is Bruce's. I cannot believe that in the entire run of the SVT series, even just the ones up to when TM was published, Bruce hadn't had a party at his mansion. They were forever having Lila or Bruce throw a party and even Elizabeth's friends were invited. Seriously.


• Josh is forced to wear a long blond wig as greeter at the Phi Ep party.


• Bruce's room has a four poster mahogany bed. One wall has pictures of Bruce in his tennis outfits as well as his track team gear. Another wall is filled with trophies for the aforementioned sports and a third wall sports a glossy poster of a Porsche just like 1Bruce1.


• John Pfeifer [the closest thing, aside from Roger, Bruce seems to have to a best friend] informs Josh that Bruce is such a hardass towards him because Bruce sees the nicer version of himself in Josh.

Quotes:
  Obviously there was something on her twin's mind that couldn't wait-something of absolute, earth shaking importance, which, for Jessica, usually meant a new outfit or a cute guy who had started paying attention to her. - Oh, Liz. You original SV snarkster, you. p2

  "Yeah, look at her," Lila muttered. "She's got the ballerina walk down pat. Duck feet and all." - this is why Lila is the patron saint of Snark. All hail Lila! p44

  "I guess you and I have been displaced in Elizabeth's life by an old wooden stick- or is it plastic?- with holes." - Jeffrey makes me giggle and think the wrong thing as he talks to Enid. p 53

  Try as she could, Elizabeth was unable to imagine why Bruce would ask Julie to the party. If he wanted to make his ex-girlfriend, Amy Sutton, jealous, he would have asked someone truly stunning. - Brutal, Lizzie. Absolutely brutal. p56

  "He said he'd let himself get too soft- too vulnerable when he was going out with Regina. Somehow he thinks if he'd been tougher, he wouldn't be hurting so much." - John repeats Bruce's slightly delusional thought patterns. Bruce? Honey? If you hadn't been screwing around with Amy you might not be hurting so much now, too. p74
  Off to the left, a tennis court had been cut into the hill. Just below it was an Olympic size swimming pool.
  "Like it?" Bruce asked.
  "Wonderful," Julie answered. "Too bad I didn't bring my bathing suit."
  Bruce turned back to the house. "It's fun to come out here at two in the morning and go skinny dipping," he observed. - p105



  I dread reading Troublemaker because I own the damn thing in triplicate. I went years without reading it and thus always thought, "hey, I've never read this one..." and would buy it at the used bookstores that used to populate the city.
   Dude, no matter what you think, you do not need three copies of this book. Honest. Bruce ain't drool worthy, Julie looks even more underage than she actually is, and Josh, well...he looks like he's got a thing for Bruce and dude, why won't Bruce just stop with the ladies for one freakin' second.
   On that note, I kept misreading various things throughout the book. When Jeffrey is teasing Liz about her always being busy with her duets with Julie, I kept reading dates. Ditto for Enid's reactions, too.
  I like that Todd is mentioned in regards to PE because you know that by now the writers knew Todd would be back within a year.